On duality of Self

On duality of Self

There are days when I wish I could spend all my time devoted to photography, writing, baking and art. I feel the pull to live simply, making a living off of a combination of these creative pursuits and having the time to read novels, gather around delicious food and “just chill” and connect and find joy in these little things. What keeps me from it is not practicality because I intentionally turn down clients in those areas, it may sound arrogant now that I write it down but it’s not; I want to pursue them, it’s just that there is a weight on my soul, a fire that does not let me use those tools and my time to pursue these individual desires.

See, the truth of it is that I wish I could live like that and be happy, but I know I would not be. It is like wishing for ignorance after feeling the weight of knowing. The reason I have those two parts of me that coexist, and sometimes battle, may be partly due to the way I was raised. I was always told that whatever I do needs to bring value to the world, if it adds value to others then it is a job, if it does not then it is a hobby. Another reason for that weight is connecting early on with issues that did not make sense and felt extremely unjust and made me desperately want to change them like children in care for example. It did not make sense to me that in the fateful randomness of life, kids and other young people like me had the odds stacked against them by adults simply because of the circumstances they were born in, when the very same adults would bend backwards to accommodate kids and young people who were born in privileged circumstances.

I have always intended to live simply so it is not a matter of making money, but a matter of how. The tools and skills are acquired and learned but it is how they are utilized that matters. I still pursue photography, writing and art but I hope to use it to bring value in addressing those issues that I care about. My use of the word value is a deeply personal one is because I truly believe that there are millions of ways to bring value to others so it’s about matching internal passion with external needs. The youtuber who travels and teaches yoga is pursuing what personally moves them, their art, but they are providing value to me on the other side of the world because they solve a problem for me. They are listening to their soul and pursuing what they find moving to them. I need to do the same with mine.

Since it has become clear to me that both sides are important (after years and years of them battling), the one that is moved by creative sensory aesthetics and the one that is moved by a large and complex problem, I must honor them both and not suppress one for the other which I had done in the past. Now it is about figuring out how to give space for each side to breath, grow and build an intertwined bridge of meaning between the two. I know that when things get tough on one side I may want to escape to the other, but they are both needed, equally and simultaneously.

When both work together I see great results with creative approaches to addressing complex problems and a really fun and enjoyable process. They make magic together. I just need to practice and learn how to give them that space, how to build in both of them and how to allow them to dance together to create something meaningful and authentic.

This entry was written on a day filled with creative energy but focused on analytical and structured tasks. I have been experimenting with balancing both with promising results. 

Disclaimer: Always learning.. always evolving.. for life. x


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